Like a lot of Americans, today is my last shot at gluttony, overindulgence and lethargy.
From now on, the newer, better me will emerge from the primordial ooze of 2007, rising from its depths like the Phoenix. A rebirth, if you will.
Yes, it is time for New Year’s Resolutions, words that induce terror in the weak-willed among us. It is a time of reckoning for the sins we’ve rendered upon ourselves, a time when egg nog and cookies, burgers and fries, creamy pasta dishes and foot-long subs long devoured return to haunt us like the Ghosts of Processed Foods Past.
Here then are my iron-clad health resolutions for 2008, which I swear on a block of tofu I will adhere to:
1. I will eat better (visual evidence at left). Goodbye, chicken wings. Hello, you glorious all-white meat chicken breast, baked, broiled or grilled. I swear I will appreciate your blandness and not dump tons of sodium-laden flavorings on you. And you there! Green vegetables and luscious multi-colored fruits! Get thee upon my plate! Apparently you are more than just a pizza topping.
2. I will exercise more. I will jump to conclusions! I will run off at the mouth! These are more than just irritating personal habits. I’m sure we can find studies that show these activities can burn excess calories, giving you those six-pack abs you’ve been dreaming of.
3. I will quit smoking. Technically I gave up smoking a dozen years ago. But it’s a popular resolution and, since it’s one I’ve already accomplished, the odds of me failing to achieve it are low. Unlike the others.
4. I will switch from coffee to green tea. Studies show there may be numerous health benefits of green tea. So why wouldn’t I drink it? I mean other than going through the coffee detoxification jitters and irritability.
5. I will reduce the harmful effects of stress. Countless studies indicate stress can lead to all kinds of health problems. My wife’s been trying to get me to do yoga and pilates, which apparently have all kinds of health benefits. I’m sure my stress levels will go down when I’m in bed for a month with yoga-related injuries.
So there you have it. Five new ways of making myself the best possible human being I can be. If you want to share your resolutions, click on the comments section below and we’ll compare notes in 2009.
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